THE GHOST SHIT- The kind where you feel shit come out,
see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in
the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT- The kind where you feel shit come out,
see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the
toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT- You wipe your ass fifty times and it
still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet
paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't
ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT- This shit happens when you've
finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you
suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT- Also
known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have
to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple
and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT- No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT- The kind of shit that's so
enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first
breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet
brush.

THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT- The kind of shit you have
the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most
noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom
of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT- The kind
where you want to shit, but even after straining your
guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped
and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT- Also known as the "Power Dump".
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast
that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet
water.

THE LIQUID SHIT- That's the kind where yellowish-brown
liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the
side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT- A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER- This shit is so intriguing in size
and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone
before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER- This shit occurs after a lengthy
period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be
your old self again.

THE RITUAL- This shit occurs at the same time each day
and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT- A shit so noteworthy
it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT- This shit has an odour so
powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the
next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT- This is any shit created
in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER- A shit so huge it cannot exit without
vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER- Characterized by its floatability, this
shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER- A shit which refuses to let go. It is
usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing
motion, but quite often the only solution is to push
it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT- This appears in the toilet
mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it
there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT- Now you see it, now you don't.
This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience
and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL- A shit that comes as a complete
surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to
shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER- A long skinny shit which has
managed to coil itself into a frightening position -
usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT- This shit occurs exactly one hour
prior to the start of any competitive event in which
you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the
Drinker's Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT- This shit may be of any
variety but is always deposited either in the woods or
while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT- An adorable collection
of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God
when you actually CAN'T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT- Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA- Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT- Also known as a "Still
Going" shit.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT- The kind that comes out so fast,
you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT- This kind of shit is so big
it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the
floor. (You should have followed the advice from the
Lincoln Log Shit.)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT- The kind of shit that hurts so
much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out
sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE"
SHIT- Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap
Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall
boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum
for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT- The type that comes out like
toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two
choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it
piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT- When the
bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the
insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT- When you
drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like
marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit
the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT- Also sometimes
referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't
warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead,
you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show
as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE"
SHIT- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for
the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now,
it's going to smear all over the place.

SNEAKY SHIT- The kind that gets all over your hand
when you go the wipe

HEAD OF ITSELF SHIT- The kind of shit that stinks two
minutes before you shit it

HEAVY SHIT- The kind when you get off the toliet and
you fell like you lost ten pounds

BRAVO SHIT- The kind of shit you're so proud of, you
have to take a bow

RAINBOW SHIT- The kind that has so many different
colors that somone would think you eat nothing but
skittles.

CAMOUFLAUGE SHIT-(most commonly found in cows) The
kind that looks just like muddy grass until you step
in it.

NOT REALLY SHIT-The kind that you shit when somone
sliped you some laxative and you just ate some pizza
and you can still make out the mushrooms and
pepperoni.

COUNTLESS SHIT- The kind that is in so many pea sized
pieces that you couldn't possibly count them

ENERGIZER SHIT- When you've already been on the toilet
for half and hour and it keeps going and going and
going

FLU SHIT- When your not sure if you want to shit in
the toilet and throw up on the floor or throw up in
the toilet and shit on the floor.

SUICIDE SHIT- The kind of shit the goes down the hole
before you flush

FORGETFUL SHIT- When you get through shiting and you
forgot to check for toilet paper and you have to use
whatever you can find, like: The cardboard center of
the toilet paper, the old washrag with a hole in it,
or the pages ripped out of the three year old Time
magazine.

HAIR SHIT- Peices of shit so thin, you don't feel them
as they come flying out of your ass.

JALEPENO SHIT- The kind of shit that burns so much, it
makes you want to kill a mexican.